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| I am tired, very very tired.
Maybe not physically, but I decided to sleep my day away today. I woke up at 11 this morning, drifted back into sleep at 12, woke up 15 minutes later to have lunch then went back to sleep until 4.45 to go for training. It wasn't so much about being tired (physically, mentally, emotionally) as it was about not wanting to think about everything and just letting myself forget.
The fact is that when you're away from reality everything seems so easy. You have the picture in your head, ready to paint it and then you start. And its just not as easy as it seemed before.
I feel tired, defeated and I want to ask God why why why it's so hard. I wish it weren't and I wish there were a phone number I could call (Just like P Darick said and just like how Gid used to wish) but there isn't and I'll take the long route, as long as it takes. But I am human, I am not God. It's just the beginning but I'm tired already. | | |
| FWAHHHHHHH I'M SUNBURNT :(
(Hi Cheng/Chong/Chua/See/Fei I hope you all are sunburnt too because its just not fair if I'm the only one)
I am red and I have 5 lines on my back which will remain there for some time because i have little intention of ever going out into the sun again (TRAINING DOESNT COUNT. BUT I HOPE IT'LL EVEN THINGS OUT) This sucks. Life sucks.
Being red is not fun. I look like elmo. I look like I grabbed blusher and dusted it all over my face (Janella agrees)/just finished running (Benn: "Except no one's chest turns red when they run HAHAHAHA")/stuck my head in the oven...
AIYAH I JUST LOOK STUPID LA OKAY. (My mommy said i looked pretty though  Though I am aware that is parental obligation haha) Going to sentosa at noon was a badddddddd idea. Never going there again unless it's after 5pm (watch the sunset heeheehee). People kept staring at me on the bus :( Jam was worse because I came in late with my incredibly red face + breathing very hard from running into church + people are forever going to remember me as the very red girl raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar.
LIFE SUCKS. (Though as mommy said if that's the only reason I keep saying my life sucks, that's good)
(Yeah that's the only reason haha I am a happy girl hehe)
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| I have many jumbled up words and thoughts, most of which I can't quite seem to articulate. Sigh :(
Everything i want now seems out of reach and i wonder a lot how much easier it would be to give up right now, and just let whatever i've dreamed of go. And as much sense as that makes right now (how much more time i'd have, how much less tired i would be) i know it's going to hurt if i do let go and I'm going to regret it, bad. But then again is putting everything aside to pursue that going to be worthwhile? And what if (what if what if what if) everything falls through and all that I've done goes completely to waste?
In the end I know it boils down to the one thing that it always has: Trusting in God and letting Him have His way. Tired tired tired, I need to just let go and let God, but I feel like I've forgotten how. | | |
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i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
- i carry your heart with me, ee cummings
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