To add to the list of things I hate:

Attempting to brisk walk out of a closed door and shoving it only to find that it is locked, effectively ramming myself against what might as well be a wall.

Good job Mel.

I am back again guys!! (MARK YOUR CALENDARS ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY I WILL HAVE POSTED ON TWO CONSECUTIVE DAYS)

Just thinking (as I always am - and contrary to what you might think, it isn't always frivolous or about nail polish. Though I might have to admit that most of the time it is...jokes!) about today's morning devotions and how the story that the teacher began with mentioned something about how "the deepest love is often hidden in our hearts". 

It is something that resonated with me because it is definitely not what I always used to believe in, and to a very small extent it still doesn't quite sit with me, although I do understand it a bit better now. I think everybody has romanticized visions of what love is meant to be like - public declarations of it on Facebook, Twitter and every other social networking site there is...maybe even a grand YouTube video proclaiming the celebration of your first month together HAHAHA. Alright now I am just starting to make fun of the people who are more open about it and that is not what this is about no no no.

Here is the truth - I used to be like that. I wanted people to know about us, I wanted people to know the things that he did for me and the things we did together. I think all couples secretly think that they are set apart from every other couple out there and by broadcasting all the things that made us special, it would TELL people that we are different from all the other couples who are together for at most a year, and break up soon after. 

But recently I've found that there is something very (for lack of a better word) special to be able to keep things to yourself and to have few people know about the things he does, the effort he puts in and the small things we do together. And it is probably not something I would have done for myself, so here (publicly) is one of the small things he has done: Kept everything quiet, to himself; putting effort into our relationship but not asking for recognition in return. C is a very private person - and I am glad for that because I certainly wouldn't have discovered how wonderful it is to have something that isn't put out for the world to see and to criticize. And I love it that way 

Why do I still love this space? It holds a ton of memories and it's not publicly advertised any more, so I feel like no one is going to come revisit all the things that I have done in the past, and no one is going to read this so I can be more open about it. I don't not want people reading this, but then I don't want everyone reading it either. If you happen to suddenly remember it or stumble upon it then please do go ahead and read, but bear in mind that the past is the past - and it has no bearing on my future 

So in the midst of having all my uncompleted IAs pile up, TOK presentation next week and my accumulating negative Patty points, I feel the need to blog because it is still a sort of escape for me, to get rid of everything that I feel, as long as it usually takes. I've decided that there will be no editing today because I can't afford the time (though in which case, I shouldn't be writing this post at all but oh well).

So recently, I've become very judgmental. I am not proud of myself for it (I am not proud of myself for many things I have done) and I have come to the realisation that as a result of my being judgmental I have become prejudiced towards certain people and pretty much everything that they do - and it is something that I need to overcome. Another bad habit that needs to be overcome: chewing ice. Chipped one of my teeth the other day (a molar, thank goodness) while chewing ice so um yes. That is a 12 year habit that needs to be broken!!

This could be me being judgmental again but I've been feeling lately that the environment I am in has revealed itself as being very...selfish. And I am afraid that it will make me that way or is making me that way too. You could call it insecurity, but when everyone turns selfish, who can you still trust and who can you still know will defend you? 

So back to me being judgmental and the people I presently (and soon will not) have a prejudice towards: They all count themselves as blessed in their own way, and as long as they are happy, who am I to pass judgement? What I think or say of them has no bearing on the person they are and that is always what I have said about myself - That I am more than the sum of what people think of me. 

So this is my new mission statement (like a school!): I will know that I am blessed with what I have (my God, my family, my boyfriend and my hamster) and will not seek to make comparisons, or say anything that does not add value to someone else's life. 

In any case I will try very hard.

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Uh, add hand in everything on time and survive IB to my mission statement too.

This has absolutely nothing to do with me, but I am feeling deeply unsettled that in a list of components of having a wonderful life...you would ask for nothing more than good looks, a good body, brains, a wide social circle and wealth. 

What about your family, your friends, and just being happy?

I was just thinking of how I feel everytime I come to this blog and I have finally placed the feeling - it's the feeling you get when you walk into one of those sad shopping malls like Roxy Square, with its high white ceilings growing mould. Yep. Hahahahahahahaha. It's pretty funny and sad at the same time, just a thought that struck me after going there on Sunday with C hahaha.